Blurring Boundaries

I went to boarding school when I was 4 till I was 16. The first day my parents left me I had no idea what I was up against. I imagined they would be back to get me after dinner but that didn't happen. Then I thought I was in some sort of hotel and they would come back the next day - that didn't happen either. The next time I saw my parents I had completely forgotten to communicate in my mother tongue. I could still comprehend conversations but had lost the ability to respond in Bengali. Then I went home for a holiday and came back to school. This time I knew what I was in for. However, I also remember trying to be so strong and never crying in front of my parents but waiting till they left. The one thing in those days that always stood out to me was the ceiling in school. At home we had flat ceilings and since my school was in the mountains the ceilings were wooden and slanted. I remember the utter feeling of desperation when I would wake up at 6 in the morning to the bell and seeing the slanted ceiling. Some nights I would dream that I was at home and upon waking up the ceiling would be shake me back to reality.

Then I moved away from home and started working. These dreams still continued though they were less frequent and I kept waking up to reality. However, in the last one year the dreams have almost completely stopped. I realize that even recreating home in my head has become too painful. However, today in the afternoon, after brunch with my flat mates family I came back and took a short nap (aftermath of the Saturday night shenanigans.) Its getting really hot in DC and today was about 85 degrees at home. So I woke up with a big smile thinking that I was in India. And then... I looked at the ceiling. After 21 years I felt exactly what I had felt as a 4 year old on March 12, 1991. 

More Dreams

On a completely unrelated note I have been having a lot of dreams that have blood in them. For eg:

1. Dreamed that I was on a passenger ship with my sister that was taking us from some place in Europe back home. It was terrible. Fishermen and fish everywhere. Then I saw a fisherman with a massive hammerhead shark. He cut into it and blood splattered everywhere including the touristy t-shirst in the store.

2. I dreamed that a child-hood friend of mine was annoying me so much I put a fork through him. Blood spilled everywhere.

I need to stop dreaming. Its getting on my nerves. 

Hardcore

Is what I used to be. This is my blog and I am allowed to brag. However, there is a point to all the bragging.

When I was in 10th grade I was awarded the All Round Best Student of my graduating class. I won 15 certificates of merit from Economics to English. From Best Speaker in a Debate to Best Elocutionist. From Basketball to Table Tennis. I got the over all certificate for General Proficiency reserved for the valedictorian of the graduating class. I was sports vice-captain in 9th grade and captain in 10th grade. At an assembly I started the school anthem.

In 11th and 12th grade I studied - physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics (with English and Bengali.) I was also studying for my medical entrance exams which meant three more classes of higher level physics, chemistry and biology. I debated with college students and helped out at an old age home. I played tennis and basketball. I had a surgery, PTSD, followed by some more handicaps that I can't care to talk about here.

In college, I studied - Economics, Literature, French and Education. I graduated with Honours. Top 5% of my class. I played basketball for my college and a club. I won best speaker at one of the most prestigious debates in India. I was President of the Student Council. Nominated as President of the Debating Society and Games Society. Through my first year I was still preparing for pre-med so I had another year of physics, chemistry and bio with econ, english and education. I ran 3 miles a day and did yoga 4 times a week. I swam 3 times a week. I started dating someone 10 years older than me and managed to keep things steady. I also worked at an old age home and did some content writing. I went on to work for Google.

During my Master's degree I studied 22 units per semester. I had a 20hr/week job. I was constantly applying for internships and jobs. I was in a long distance relationship. My first semester I walked 5 miles back and forth from school after I had run 5 miles in the morning. I interned at the Centre for Public Policy in India.

Now - I am burnt out. I am just exhausted mentally and physically.

However, today I met someone who inspired me. I was at a party with my friends from my grad school and this person blew my mind. Lets call the person "C." C was fit, funny and ferociously ambitious. Reminded me a lot of myself. C is easy to talk to and so so good with giving advice and tips that are career related. If I had to put my finger on it I would say that C has what it takes to rule a small country. C makes me want to rule a small country. I feel some of that old fire creeping back one flame at a time. I needed this unhealthy dose of go-getter juice. I think this is going to keep me on my toes for a while.

I have decided to be unabashedly, shamelessly ambitious. Today I made the decision that I AM going to be successful in every area of my life - career and personal. I will not choose and I will excel. Someone's got to be at the top - why not me? 

Let Go

417 11th Street, NE,
Washington DC, 20002

Time: 1.06 A.M.
April 10, 2011

My Surfacing Subconscious

I am known for my vivid dreams. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep and didn't watch an entire Hollywood blockbuster in my sleep. But last night was just plain disturbing. I am blogging about it because I just need to get it out of my system. Interpretations (sensible ones) are welcome.

I dreamed that I was on a houseboat that looked like a modified raft. It was barely in one piece. It was my wedding day. The groom was yet to be decided. I saw some men from my life there but none of them were attired to be the groom. Suddenly I saw an alligator/crocodile/water monster slowly gliding towards the raft. It was peaceful but once it came close to the raft and heard the noise it got agitated. In retrospect it kind of looked like the minotaur in water. Anyway, it started attacking the raft and to pacify it I jumped into the water. For some reason I had on hiking boots with my wedding trousseau and I took off those boots and started hitting the monster on the head with it. It still didn't harm me. But my Dad jumped in and it hurt my Dad. After a while the monster left. Everything was in shambles but the wedding had to go on. Until I realized, horror of horrors, I was going to marry my Dad. Why? Because I owed it to him for fighting off the monster.

This dream is disturbing on so many different levels. When I woke up I felt like I had been through the Crusades. Still exhausted and probably really going to regret this public display of my subconscious mind soon.

Will He? Won't He? Does He? Doesn't He?

Of late a lot of my girl friends have been going through phases. It goes something like this:

Found him
Met him twice
Got over him

Of course being girls it is not as simple as all that. I should know! In those three phases we give away such a huge part of ourselves that it takes a while to salvage all the broken pieces together. I had a cardinal rule book when it came to men. Here are some of the rules in the book:

1. Never ever feel bad for a boy. This is the trickiest one. We women are so easily drawn into men who have some kind of story from their past. It could be ex-lovers, disinterested parents, bad friends, drug habits even. Once while discussing the type of guy we fall for a friend of mine declared that her type was the loser . Its not much of a surprise when you know that women do have a nurturing tendency and this type just draws you in. Also, remember that boys rarely feel bad for themselves. They dust themselves and walk away from whatever it is that got them down. So us wasting time going... "awww.. but he is that way because so and so did so and so in the past" is the biggest waste of our time ever. Don't give him a patient hearing. Ask him to man up. Don't bother with his sob stories.  Definitely don't take chicken soup to his house if he comes down with one of his man colds. Where are his guy friends for crying out loud?

2. Do not date damaged goods. Its going to take while to realize that he is damaged goods. But what I am saying is if he is the brooding intellectual, moody genius, angry young man... stay clear - unless you liked Jennifer O' Connolly's life in A Beautiful Mind. Unless the guy makes you laugh and brightens up your day he is really not worth holding on to - even for another second.

3. You are NOT going to change him. So when he says he is a bastard repeatedly - take him at face value. Its his way of saying - I am a bastard and nothing will make me change, not even you. Kiss him on his cheeks and take your heart and run!

4. Finally be honest about what you want. If you want a relationship - let him know. If you see his knees visibly shaking you will know what to do. If you want to see where it goes- let him know that too.. men probably love girls like you. If you just wanna have fun - make sure you take every precaution in the world. Physically and emotionally!

5. If you are looking for your Prince then kiss all the frogs you want. But remember if all you seem to come across are toads you are probably in the wrong pond!

I am no expert by any standards but if I had to one day tell my daughter really quickly the lessons I learned after 7 years of dating this is what I would tell her.